I just want to ramble....

This was the first August in over 16 years that I haven't been like the millions of other Americans returning to the classroom for a hues school year. I have been taking some involuntary time off from school... It is driving me nuts. While I like not having the stressful test schedule, three hours or more of homework every night, and all of the work that comes with school work. I do truly miss it. I feel like I am just at a standstill. Time is going by faster every day, but I don't feel like I am going anywhere. All of my closest friends are beginning their senior year, a year from now they will be starting their careers and I won't have anything.

I feel so lost, because I know that this break is actually GOOD for me. I have no clue what I want to go back to school FOR! I have two visions for my life and no clue which direction I want to go in. All I do know is I have no desire to go back to early childhood education, that job was not for me. I am so thankful I discovered that before I graduated. I do hate how much time I wasted pursuing that degree.

All around me I am surrounded by people who are perfectly content not haing a job. I also have the ones who are older than I am, but have settled with a job working barely over minimum wage. While I completely understand that everyone has their own view of success, I am still freaking terrified that this will be my future. At what point do dreams die? At what point do people settle? What will be my breaking point?

I have been so fusturated recently, because I feel like most of the people I am close to these days don't understand my need to be busy. They understand that I like it, but they just don't get why. Sometimes thou, I don't get why. If I am not busy I just feel, useless. In my grade school years I was always involved in after school activities. In college I did it all. Now that I don't have school, I am restless to fill the gaping hole in my life that school used to fill. Even though I was always skipping class (lol) my calendar was filled for every waking hour of the day. I was satisfied. I have been trying everything to make myself feel as satisfied. I am working a great part time job, that I love and am thankful for every day. I just started my own at home business working in the world of direct sales. I am having a great time with it, but even with my two jobs I am not feeling the same satisfaction.

So, I started a busy workout schedule. I am taking pole dance classes twice a week and Zumba when I don't have a Thursday wildtree tasting. Hopefully, satisfied or not, I'll lose some of this weight I have gained trying to fill my empty calendar with food.

I just don't know how to make myself truly happy. However, at the end of the day I wouldn't trade my life for any other. I sacrificed what I have always known, all of my routines, my comfort, my cravings for a full calendar for my out of this world amazing husband. I love the way my heart races when I hear his truck pull up outside the apartment.... Which he just did. :-)

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Hmm... I am having a hard time thinking of something for this category. I decided to look up the word "insecurity" to see if the definition would help. Wikipedia says it is "a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner)....Insecurity may cause shyness, paranoia and social withdrawal, or alternatively it may encourage compensatory behaviors such as arrogance, aggression, or bullying." Yeah, it didn't help much. 

So I cheated and looked at other people's "challenge" pictures on facebook... I found not being good enough, acne, and other things that didn't fully fit me. I do have a concern that people won't like me, that I am not pretty enough, that I am always being judged, but I don't think that I have one single biggest insecurity that really stands out. I really don't like my body. I feel kind of hobbit-like. Honestly though, I recognize that my flabby tummy is something I could change, but haven't. If it were really my BIGGEST insecurity I would work out and/or watch what I eat. After doing some searching.... I found something better... a different category. So now this post will be:

Day 18: A picture from the summer

Clearly I am incapable of picking just one picture! :-)

Cow Appreciation Day!

4th of July with my amazing sailor.

Traveling to California to NACURH

Programming as an RA in Lowndes Hall.

Going to Wild Adventures.. for free :-)

And some more visits with my sailor. <3