I just want to ramble....

This was the first August in over 16 years that I haven't been like the millions of other Americans returning to the classroom for a hues school year. I have been taking some involuntary time off from school... It is driving me nuts. While I like not having the stressful test schedule, three hours or more of homework every night, and all of the work that comes with school work. I do truly miss it. I feel like I am just at a standstill. Time is going by faster every day, but I don't feel like I am going anywhere. All of my closest friends are beginning their senior year, a year from now they will be starting their careers and I won't have anything.

I feel so lost, because I know that this break is actually GOOD for me. I have no clue what I want to go back to school FOR! I have two visions for my life and no clue which direction I want to go in. All I do know is I have no desire to go back to early childhood education, that job was not for me. I am so thankful I discovered that before I graduated. I do hate how much time I wasted pursuing that degree.

All around me I am surrounded by people who are perfectly content not haing a job. I also have the ones who are older than I am, but have settled with a job working barely over minimum wage. While I completely understand that everyone has their own view of success, I am still freaking terrified that this will be my future. At what point do dreams die? At what point do people settle? What will be my breaking point?

I have been so fusturated recently, because I feel like most of the people I am close to these days don't understand my need to be busy. They understand that I like it, but they just don't get why. Sometimes thou, I don't get why. If I am not busy I just feel, useless. In my grade school years I was always involved in after school activities. In college I did it all. Now that I don't have school, I am restless to fill the gaping hole in my life that school used to fill. Even though I was always skipping class (lol) my calendar was filled for every waking hour of the day. I was satisfied. I have been trying everything to make myself feel as satisfied. I am working a great part time job, that I love and am thankful for every day. I just started my own at home business working in the world of direct sales. I am having a great time with it, but even with my two jobs I am not feeling the same satisfaction.

So, I started a busy workout schedule. I am taking pole dance classes twice a week and Zumba when I don't have a Thursday wildtree tasting. Hopefully, satisfied or not, I'll lose some of this weight I have gained trying to fill my empty calendar with food.

I just don't know how to make myself truly happy. However, at the end of the day I wouldn't trade my life for any other. I sacrificed what I have always known, all of my routines, my comfort, my cravings for a full calendar for my out of this world amazing husband. I love the way my heart races when I hear his truck pull up outside the apartment.... Which he just did. :-)

Well, clearly I fail at keeping up with my blog. I renamed it and gave it a new background since I have also modified the theme of my present life. Good bye "Sailors, Coffee, and Life" and my old cafe' background.

I had a hard time deciding on a new theme for my blog. I don't have anything that really defines me.

My last layout was coffee themed to match my job as a barista at Gloria Jeans. I loved that job so very much. I most of all loved the people I worked with. However, I just couldn't keep working nights and weekends. It was taking me away from the time I have to spend with Rutsty, who is the whole reason I am here in the first place. I quit when we got back from our honeymoon. It was really hard. I was only there a short time in the grand scheme of things, but it hurt to leave. I miss it, but I am happy with the decision made and if I could do it again, the thing I would have changed is doing it sooner.

I am very happy at Edible Arrangements. The pay is good, I work with some great ladies, and I love the hours. I thought about changing my blog layout to match this job, however I just feel like a fruit theme layout is a bit much. ;-)

I don't want to go super navy pride, because honestly I am enjoying living a life where it is easy to forget we are a part of the navy. Yeah my husband works 14+ hour days in a uniform, but he comes home every night to me. It is getting harder to forget though. Last week we had to turn in our Navy "dream sheet" which really they may not even look at when deciding where we are sent next. It was still a nice thump in the head bringing me back to the reality, that in less than 6 months I may be moving from my wonderful home in South Carolina. There is still a chance we will be stationed here for another two years, but we can't count on it. We don't have plans for kids in the next few years so we are taking this opportunity to try to live on the west coast for a change. Our first choice is Hawaii, holidays will be tough, but that is the experience of a lifetime. Our second choice was San Diego. Third was Washington state. Fourth choice was any pacific port, I think this could mean Japan. Our final choice is Kings Bay, because if we don't get anywhere cool I might as well be able to finish my degree through VSU and be close to family. To be honest, I am just terrified of moving. I have about 5 more months to get over that I guess.

I will do my best to blog more, but I have said that about once a month or the past three months.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

The very first thing that I thought of was "the world." I would love to one day do something that has an impact a positive impact on the entire world. Honestly, I don't know if that will happen. I feel like I could have made it happen if I still wanted to be a teacher. Who knows I could have taught the alphabet to a future world famous author. I doubt it would have actually happened, but it is a nice idea to think about. I don't even know in what area I would want to change the world in. There are the classic, world peace, cure cancer, cure HIV/AIDS, exc that I could default on... but I am not sure which one I would choose. And come on, you are greedy if you say "all of it." While it would be cool to change the world, I don't even know what part of the world's problems is on the top of my list.

Okay, here is something that I wish i could change. It falls closer to my personal life. I wish i could change when Rusty and I got married. I wish we would have gotten married sooner, like over the summer. (We got married in October btw) I feel like I wasted so much by staying in Valdosta Aug-Dec. I am not even referring to extra time with Rusty, before he eventually deploys. I am more talking about time I wasted at VSU. I wasted so much money. Some I wasted by traveling to visit Rusty once a month. Most of it though was by the substantial amount of loans that I had to take out to be at VSU that semester. I hated my major, so even if those credits would transfer (which they won't) I don't enjoy the degree. One day (soon!) I will be paying all of that $ back and that thought just sickens me. On another note I wasn't pleasant to be around that last semester at VSU. The people I met didn't get to see my better, positive side. My friends from before probably did not appreciate my attitude change. I hated everything last semester. My grades were good, which looks good I guess, but again no where I will be traveling to will have the major or anything close to what I was doing so they do not care about those classes I took. I just feel like it was all a big waste.