I just want to ramble....

This was the first August in over 16 years that I haven't been like the millions of other Americans returning to the classroom for a hues school year. I have been taking some involuntary time off from school... It is driving me nuts. While I like not having the stressful test schedule, three hours or more of homework every night, and all of the work that comes with school work. I do truly miss it. I feel like I am just at a standstill. Time is going by faster every day, but I don't feel like I am going anywhere. All of my closest friends are beginning their senior year, a year from now they will be starting their careers and I won't have anything.

I feel so lost, because I know that this break is actually GOOD for me. I have no clue what I want to go back to school FOR! I have two visions for my life and no clue which direction I want to go in. All I do know is I have no desire to go back to early childhood education, that job was not for me. I am so thankful I discovered that before I graduated. I do hate how much time I wasted pursuing that degree.

All around me I am surrounded by people who are perfectly content not haing a job. I also have the ones who are older than I am, but have settled with a job working barely over minimum wage. While I completely understand that everyone has their own view of success, I am still freaking terrified that this will be my future. At what point do dreams die? At what point do people settle? What will be my breaking point?

I have been so fusturated recently, because I feel like most of the people I am close to these days don't understand my need to be busy. They understand that I like it, but they just don't get why. Sometimes thou, I don't get why. If I am not busy I just feel, useless. In my grade school years I was always involved in after school activities. In college I did it all. Now that I don't have school, I am restless to fill the gaping hole in my life that school used to fill. Even though I was always skipping class (lol) my calendar was filled for every waking hour of the day. I was satisfied. I have been trying everything to make myself feel as satisfied. I am working a great part time job, that I love and am thankful for every day. I just started my own at home business working in the world of direct sales. I am having a great time with it, but even with my two jobs I am not feeling the same satisfaction.

So, I started a busy workout schedule. I am taking pole dance classes twice a week and Zumba when I don't have a Thursday wildtree tasting. Hopefully, satisfied or not, I'll lose some of this weight I have gained trying to fill my empty calendar with food.

I just don't know how to make myself truly happy. However, at the end of the day I wouldn't trade my life for any other. I sacrificed what I have always known, all of my routines, my comfort, my cravings for a full calendar for my out of this world amazing husband. I love the way my heart races when I hear his truck pull up outside the apartment.... Which he just did. :-)

Life has been such a blur the past few weeks. I have no clue where the month of April went! Oh and before I forget...

Now that we got that out of the way... yeah holy shit it is already May! That means I have been living in SC for almost half of a year. I have been working at Gloria Jeans for three months. Rusty graduates power school next month. Just so much has happened and is about to happen. 

Wanna know what I have been up to? Wanna know what I am currently up to? 

No?

Okay you can stop reading right here. 

Currently, I am just enjoying sitting down. Both of my feet are propped up on the sofa and I am just loving having some quiet time. Rusty is studying. Jasper is chewing... on my fucking sock. Ugh. I give him so many toys, chew sticks, and he decides he will chew on my sock. Yeah, I just noticed that as I was writing. Too bad this isn't a video blog, yall would have had some legit entertainment! Oh well, I need to buy new socks anyways... 

I am mentally and physically preparing myself for another holiday at Edible Arrangements! This time I am an actual employee. A few weeks back (around the time I stopped blogging for a bit) I started looking for a second job. By chance, this was also the time that Edible Arrangements was hiring! Talk about good timing. I started looking for a job, because I only work about three days a week at Gloria Jeans and that leaves me with a lot of bored downtime while Rusty isn't home. When I could get extra hours at GJ it was when Rusty was at home. Now, I have two jobs and a lot less time just sitting around on my couch. :-) I am much happier this way.

I am really liking working at Edible Arrangements so far. I found another job with great supervisors and coworkers. The work is fun and the time passes by quickly. I just wish there was music. I am actually NOT working at the same location that I worked at on Valentines Day. So, I really and truly am the new kid. I hate being new, but since I worked as a temp before I don't feel QUITE as awkward. :-/ I am EXTREMELY thankful I got this job. It keeps me moving, it is unique, it has GREAT hours, it pays really well, and I work with great people. 

Gloria Jeans is going well. I really do consider my coworkers some of my best friends here. I wish we could hang out together outside of the coffee shop, but there is always someone working. :-( My only complaint is one I have had all along, I don't have weekends unless I ask for them. I hate not having my time off coordinating with Rusty's. I moved here (SC) to be with my husband and allow us to get our lives started together, side by side, before he deploys. I just hate that our schedules don't sync up. I know my boss does try though. Next week my schedule is only one closing shift and I have Sunday off. It is a lot better than some weekends. I think eventually I will need a set schedule. I may be trained to close, and I actually wouldn't mind closing two times a week as my only shifts there. Honestly, I just want to stay there, because I love the job so much. I would miss it every day if I were to leave. Every day some one at EA has asked me why I am still working there, I have a true love for Gloria Jeans and the people that work there. We will see how it all plays out. I just know it would break my heart to leave my family at Gloria Jeans. 

On a different note... my car is finally fixed 2 months later! I have a working headlight, a hood that opens, and an oil change. :-) I am glad that I have one less thing off my mind. 

Jasper is doing well. I wish I could get him in to intermediate training classes, but I am going to have to wait until my life settles down a little bit first. I am always so tired, learning how to do a new job is EXHAUSTING! Meanwhile I feel bad that I haven't gotten to take Jasper to daycare or to the park in two weeks. :-(

Well, that is basically my life right now. Work, work, wanting to spend more time with Rusty, and Jasper. I really feel like I have lost most of my navy wife friends. :-( It sucks, but since I have two jobs I don't have time to just hang out at someone's house during the day, go over to watch TV at night, exc. It just hasn't worked out well for me. I miss having social time, I hope once I am finished training at EA and maybe get more of a set schedule at GJ my life should be balanced and I can start all over again and try to make friends with the navy wives. :-( I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friend Katy before she left for New York. I am really upset about that. :-(

Every time I get a chance to sit down and catch my breath, I feel like it is time to work again. Despite 15 hour work days and my crazy schedule, I am really happy with where I am in my life. :-)

Now I am going to go back to being lazy and relaxing before I begin 5 days of Mother's Day insanity at Edible Arrangements!

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you.

I have given this one a lot of thought and I have had a hard time coming up with an answer. There are several people who can fit this category. Old teachers, mentors, bosses, friends, coworkers, family. I really don't have a celebrity that inspires me to do anything. I am also not sure if I have someone who CURRENTLY inspires me now that I am away from Valdosta. 

I am going to have to give credit to my SAI sisters. Each one of them has their own story and inspires me in a different way. Some inspire me to want to learn more about music, some inspire me through the joy that they find in life, and others just inspire me to be a better person... I have two big sisters (one is from color guard) and then a grandbig who supported me a lot through my time at Valdosta. I am not sure if that counts as inspiration, but I want to give them props when mentioning my sister's influence on my life. (Adrienne, Brittney, and Theresa)